George Bush said that he'd be dead by the time everyone realizes he has been right about everything. As usual, he's right. I was time travelling the other day and was fortunate enough to attend a lecture by the most famous historian of the twenty sixth century. I can't remember his name but here's an excerpt:
--I would like to speak to you today about a legend of the twenty first century. A man whose memory is revered by all, young and old alike. A man who was forced to do battle with the demons of his time as well as the ones in his own heart. A man who overcame the most horrendous handicap ever visited upon an unsuspecting innocent by a merciless God.
Yes, your eager anticipation reveals that you know I am about to tell you the story of the beloved George Walker Bush. A story that every child learns in school and that every citizen has cherished as a sacred memory for many generations. I am as anxious as you to revisit the heroic landscape that gave birth to the first American president that was born without a brain and so I will begin the tale in the usual way.
George Bush jr. was born less than a year following the great victory over the evil Axis powers of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan and this has led many to speculate that he was the actual reincarnation of WW II. While some have suggested that this is probably not true, he himself was quoted as saying "I'm a war president".
We know that his childhood was unremarkable as is often the case with remarkably unremarkable people and it is enough for us to be reminded that it did not take Mr. and Mrs. George Bush senior very long to conclude that George jr. was brainless. Fortunately for the Bush family, Young George Walker received the best medical care available at that time and so we all know that he was spared the usual outcome that befalls children so afflicted.
As is well documented, George's life really begin's with the auspicious and very heroic attempt to join the American Air Force and so do his part in the war against Southeast Asian hegemony. He desperately wished to prove his metal against the communist hordes of imperialism but his family thwarted his every move.
He was forced to 'wait out the hostilities' in the Air National Guard, a respectable branch of the armed forces charged with the defense of American soil, but for a man of action this would prove to be intolerable. With the instincts that would later
mark his presidency, Lt. Bush decided to go to Viet Nam on his own hoping to win the war and make a name for himself.
His grit and tenacity are evidenced by his repeated attempts to sneak away from his post and 'hitch' a ride to 'Nam. An ironic twist to this chapter in George's maturation of character is how some of his enemies in the Guard interpreted his behavior as an effort to avoid serving his country altogether. A scurrilous notion at best, but one it seems, that caused a great deal of amusement among Democrats and other enemy sympathizers during the Bush presidency thirty years later.
George Bush's failure to personally win the Vietnam war and make a name for himself was a severe blow to his confidence as well as a harbinger of things to come. There is no need to go into the details of how his friends and family interfered with his investments and ultimately caused him to lose millions of dollars; suffice it to say that successive business failures in the following decades served only to confirm his belief that outside forces were aligned against him.
He realized that in order to make his reputation and his fortune he would have to enter the chaotic and dangerous world of politics where he would need to draw on a deep reservoir of cunning and strength that had heretofore been hidden in, of all places, his gut. Lacking wealthy and powerful friends as well as influential family connections our hero was forced to rely on his own inner resources to guide him through the political mine fields of Texas.
Lacking a brain, George w. turned inward and after much soul searching discovered the two things that would prove to be indispensable on the long and treacherous climb to ultimate power. He had discovered God, who we now know, gave him permission to rule the world.
But more importantly he found a substitute for his brain within his gut, near his colon, actually quite close to the opening, and it was this that gave him wisdom and determination and a realization that he didn't need a brain and in fact had never needed one.
His true genius first emerged when he was governor of Texas. During his reign he was to lay the groundwork for political greatness by freeing corporations from the stifling regulations imposed by a communist state government that claimed to be acting in the public interest.
His gut would tell him, repeatedly, that the public interest is whatever the highest bidder says it is and though he knew that he could never be the highest bidder himself, he was determined to become the auctioneer and that my friends is when, as all of you know, George Walker Bush decided to occupy and incorporate the office of president of the United States of America.
I won't bore you with the terrible tale, which you already know, of how our enemies in the democratic party and the mainstream press destroyed the Bush administration and ended it's long and heroic attempt to save the American people and secure planet earth from third world aggression.
Suffice it to say that George Walker Bush is the greatest president that America has ever produced who went on to produce nothing of value for our country. But we can all take solace in the fact that he was overwhelmed by the ignorance and incompetence of virtually every human being that ever graced his presence and for that we owe him and all other victims of reality a sincere and heartfelt apology.